Coffee, Yahtzee, & the Universe ...

ahh, this feels more tumblr*ish...  

my quest this mornin' was to find the best name for the day.  my first thought was flowers, my 2nd thought was backup right before the beginning of a perceived chaos(napi) the name spilled out from the big U, top of the list for top o' the mornin'.  

EmilY ~ she alone makes me Laugh.  

the choices to follow were:
Abigail, Ashley, Isabella, Grace, Sophia (Lauren - Briana), Natalie, Anna
Chloe, Ava.  Megan, Allison.  laughing inward & quietly @ Makayla
Paige & Savannah bringing up the rear, i mean end.   Not, the end.

Other names to begin my playing Yahtzee alone, drinkin' coffee w/too much cream, and reflecting winter homes in Vale and the maintenance that comes w/the territory were:

Zed, Cinderella, Sapphire  (a form of yra) - (a rhyming w/Lola) & Raelyn
Anson and one sounding like Rain yet a direct descendant of Einstein...
Peter, Keanu, Farren and Ebenezer
Fiona, the real Lola, & (one of those blues) i'mSure.
a pink, a brown, and a negro.
but, oh, the irony, of using the Universe as a "search tool" =
= Sea Star Heroine
= Pure Beauty & Evil
= Victory & Wisdom
= Determined Noble Nickname (giggLes w/confidence)
= Heaven: Gentle Roman God aka: Ancient Zabaglione Lord
= Destruction
= Dream / iLLusion
= Deer -  Snow
~                          ~                                ~                ~

Same list part Dos:
Lily, Faith, Zoe  and a trailer named Stephanie
Jenna Howell, Andrea Dupont'a'priest, Riley ALJ & Angelina
Today, 34 yrs ago, Kimberly was born (i know what 34yrs feels like)
Madyline w/an e
Mary, aka: a form of (yra)
Leah, the unsuspecting(shame on you for not heeding advice) mother of daughters
Lillian:  yesterday @ the F.market I met Alberta & Patricia Peterson(on 2nd thought maybe mrs. potter is not the great-white-spirit seamstress)
Michelle SLJ, Amanda, Sara(a fellow introvert, aka: hoarder of strawberry recipes), and Jordan
Gabrielle, Audrey, Autumn, and the party girl: Evelyn
Diana - who is here now!
Sierra opposed to Sienna
Erin & Amelia
and Claire
...
Scene two:  the Beast enters the room

                                                               ~ the End

A Day for a 2fer...

i found this over @ wordpress, i'm closing it cause, well...  i can.

2009, sai-ing.something.now

I am a female with many associations.  I am much happier than I have ever been in my adult life.  There are other people who have made me happy before and will continue to do so through my days.  But as far as an adult in an adult relationship believing in life and self - where I am today makes me happy.   I am not 100% happy and those issues stem from deeper inside my core.

My Core is battered and bruised.  It used to be healthy pre - year 2000.  I let someone into my life who I trusted 100%.  That monster broke my trust, my heart, and my spirit.  I am not dwelling on the past - I am just writing down my bones in order for me to use my white board blog for healing.

I have had counseling.  I have paid out lots of money for this counseling.  I do not feel that I was healed from my turmoil.  The monster who broke my trust, heart, and spirit was a Dr. Jekyll/ Hyde in Christian clothing.  He had insecurities of his own and he took out his frustrations of life on me.  He was very abusive in private and a model citizen of the community and a perfect man at Church.  I suffered things which are completely Inhumane.  

I suffer from Agoraphobia, Low Self Esteem, Lack of Confidence, Poor Social skills, Poorer Job skills, and I have become overweight in my flight to avoid  the monster and the abuse in which I suffered. 

I used to be a Free-Spirit and did things my way and believed the world was about me and I was important and then the monster helped me to think and believe that I was a Loser and not good enough for the world and I lost my Spark.  I lost my will to live more than once.  But, the stars are shining down on me and I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life and start living a new life and I am trying to be happy where God has placed me, now!  

I am hoping that this Blog will help me in re-finding myself.

the importance of ChiLdren

my dad had just got back from some Serengeti Safari and we were all sampling some kind of African Rum. I passed mine off to my son. He can drink anything! That cute little suntanned guy sitting next to me is my Grandson!

i talked to my son & daughter today along with the little chatterbox on the bed. i miss them greatly. but do i really want to go back and live near them, not really! Today i am in Atlanta @ the bread company. i decided to go on vacation after my Dear John letter - i really do miss the comforts of home. i even miss the zombies. Montana is calling my name and i suppose i should go there - but...

my pink friend reminded me that she is praying for me and that she thinks i am going to Lose the everything that Montana has to offer if i don't go now and hibernate through the winter - !

i am conflicted!

Starting Over ...

in a new place, a new town, new credentials and the possibility of the Love of a Lifetime - doesn't seem all that bad. but to a self professed lonely agoraphobic gypsy soul; it is the biggest thing I have ever done by myself. years ago I moved a lot and even as I got older and had kids, I still moved more than I ever allowed myself to become settled - but then, i did it with tagalongs of some flavor. now, it is just me! yes, there is the promise of Love that spans greater than i could ever imagine - but letting go of the only stability that I have had a hold of in the last 8 months hurts pieces inside me that i didnt even know existed. it is a struggle of good vs evil, God vs everything but God, God vs myself, and Love vs impatience.

i know the best idea is to be honest and say my true piece but that could mean that i might lose my friend forever. i like my friend. there are days i even love him.